Letters to My Kids

The One with the Fast

Today was rough.
Want to know why?
I’m so glad you asked.
Well, it all started yesterday around 4pm.
It has been at least a month of feeling just plain “heavy”.
Weighted down.
Larger than my body has ever felt.
All of my pants are too tight.
That is a definite indicator that we have a bit of a problem.
Especially the two pairs I just bought this summer that fit perfectly.
Let alone the pairs from last year or the year before.
Eek.
Now, I realize that I can’t expect my body to stay in the exact same form for the rest of my life.
But I also know I can’t just give up.
I exercise enough.
I’m not adding anything to that 6 or 7 day routine.
But evidently I’ve gotten into some bad eating habits.
I’ve dealt with this for as long as I can remember.
I’m sure none of you know what I’m talking about.
But this time, it had gone from a bit unhappy to just plain unhealthy.
I had far exceeded my limit.
So when I stepped on the scales yesterday out of sheer frustration and curiosity,
let’s just say I was a tad bit (read: completely) disappointed.
I had stayed away from the scales because I know the “number” is not what matters.
But I had seen all the other signs and I guess I needed to know.
It was not my favorite moment.
That night I set serious goals and day to day expectations with Kevin.
I have enlisted his hard core help.
He has always gone easy on me in the past when I ask for help in this area.
He admitted it was because he never ever wanting me thinking it was because he thought I needed to lose weight.
So he made sure I understood that whenever he’s “harsh” with me in the future it will be because he wants me to be happy.
Something I’m definitely not experiencing right now.
I need that.
I won’t like that.
But I need that.
To start things off right. clean. fresh. we decided on a fast.
From 8pm Sunday until 8pm Monday we have been standing alongside one another.
Throughout the struggles and the temptations of crazy hunger.
It has been eye opening in a few ways.
Though not my first fast, it’s my first day long fast in at least 8 years.
I learned how much I depend on food.
How I’m afraid to be hungry.
How I eat when I’m bored.
Or stressed.
Or excited.
Or frustrated.
How I eat way too often and way too much.
There are so many more reasons I’m sure.
But we have resolved to just crack down and make the change.
And it’s hard to believe this can change, I’m not gonna lie.
I feel like a failure.
As I’ve seen myself fall short over and over.
But I can do this.
Right?
With God’s blessing. His sustenance. His support.
And Kevin’s encouragement.
I can do this.
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3 thoughts on “The One with the Fast

  1. mel, this is me to a tea. haha, we actually ARE going through the same thing. Almost exactly.. its kinda crazy! I too have also enlisted Jake's help. He says the exact same thing as Kevin. I tell him to not offer me icecream and junkfood and such, and then when he doesnt I get a little bit upset, but then he says that I was the one who asked him to do this for me. So he has. What helps for me is to try REALLY hard to eat smaller portions. I look at what Jake's eating, since we eat supper together and most lunch times, I try to eat 1/3 of what he is eating or at the most 1/2. Jake doesn't have a problem with food at all. For example at Abbey's bday party, his mom made this peanut butter cheesecake that was 600 cals per tiny slice! and we had eaten a big meal, and even though i was full, i felt i needed to have the cake because how often woudl i get to taste something like that. I asked jake if he was going to have some, and he said he was full.. and i was like.."What? soooo….you might not ever taste this again" and he said that he wouldnt remember it or think about it tomorrow. and i suppose thats true. It's just hard to have that mindset.Also on biggest loser Abbey told me that they always tell them that nothing tastes as good as thin feels. Perhaps this is true. Not neccesarily being skinny, but i think it is uncomfortable to have a chubby tummy and pants not fitting. Well i actually could talk about this all day, but i have to go to class. we should like update each other on progresses and slip ups every once in a while. it is hard but not impossible. okay, gotta jet ttyl!

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