About Me, Confessions, Husband, Infertility

The One with a 31 Month Confession

Dear friends, 
I have something to confess. I have been keeping a very large corner of my heart a secret from you all for many months. I didn’t know if I should share or if this was something the Lord wanted me to keep private. And so I’ve waited for a peace about when to open this up for all to see. 
But I haven’t been able to blog, to write anything, because I feel false, like I’m hiding something. And I am. 
It has been over 2 -1/2 years (31 months to be exact) since Kevin and I have been trying to conceive. We have been unsuccessful in starting our family–a pain I didn’t know I would ever experience, nor could have I comprehended. As I have started sharing more openly with friends and family the pain lessened, and I learned of friends in similar circumstances willing to stand shoulder to shoulder. No one has been unkind or pushy. Prayers are offered and some tears have been shed. Women everywhere understand the longing in our hearts to give birth to our own, to raise a child, to be called “Mother.”
And so, even after sharing this struggle with many friends in our Christmas letter, it is with trepidation that I pour out my heart to all of you. 

Lord Jesus, as I begin to share my story use it to bring me freedom and to work in the heart of a friend or a stranger. All of this for you, Jesus. 

Over the next few weeks, I want to share more of our journey, how it began, where we are now, the tears that have fallen, the joy that has been granted. God is so good to us. He has been faithful to uphold us, to hide us in the shelter of his wing. He has withstood my angry cries, and offered peace. As I look back over the last 31 months, I am thankful the lessons I’ve learned. Most notably, contentment

And with that I ask you, friends, will you journey with me down this road of confusion and questions, pain and blessing? 

16 thoughts on “The One with a 31 Month Confession

  1. My heart breaks for you. Our journey was only half of that time, but it still brought more pain than I could have imagined. I'm so sorry, but so thankful that you're leaning on the Lord throughout this and still have an attitude of praise. How wonderful that is to see!! In my own journey with IF, I was not nearly so wise. Please feel free to PM me any time, I'd be more than willing to listen/talk! Will be praying that the Lord gives you a child soon. <3

  2. Hey, This isn't news to me, yet after reading it, the phone rang and I'm at work so I had to answer it… yet there were tears in my eyes and a catch in my throat. I hurt for you and Kevin. I remember talking in our room late at night in our K-house about the fear of IF for both of us. I hate that it is a reality that at least 1 of us faces….. Praying for you daily my dear!

  3. I'm sorry you are walking this road. I walked it as well and after so much pain and struggle I have my 2 miracles. I would love to share my journey with you if it would help!

  4. As parents, we certainly understand your deep yearning for a child. Will be with you through this whole process, and will continue to pray. It will be awesome to see how God works this all for His glory. Love you dearly, precious daughter. mom

  5. *hugs*I know. I know I know I know. And if you ever need to talk, please do not hesitate to seek me out. I have so much more to say, but I will leave it at that. You are loved and I will keep you in my prayers.

  6. i sent you a message on facebook as i am not computer savvy at all but i finally saw this comment space and thought i would share, i was you once, tim and i tried for 3 years to get pregnant, i secretly hated anyone pregnant or with a baby i was jealous and hurt and lost some faith! ,my journey was probably different then yours but i truly believe that God needed us to wait and we werent quite ready for children! it brought tim and i closer than i could ever imagine, my sister in law was having some IF issues a last year and i told her to be patient and it would happen she said to me easy for you to say you have 4 kids! it was then i realized i was that person that i once hated for having kids, like you i kept most of my issues inside and didnt share with many people what i had been thru to get my 4 beautiful children. i waited 3 years to get pregnant with morgan after being told i would never have children only 3 months before. i did not give up as being a mother was my lifes goal. i started looking into adoption and then a friend told me about a speacial OB who helped her get pregnant. apparently all i needed was his touch i saw him once and on my next visit to get fertility drugs that were 50 dollars and you needed to take 3 a day, i told him i was feeling off he sent me for blood work on friday waiting until monday was the longest weekend of my life finally i got the call i was pregnant. i was in shock. i flew home and told Tim i couldnt believe it was finally happening. after delivering morgan i wanted to try right away for another i did not want to wait another 3 years to get pregnant! i had 2 miscarriages and then got pregnant with the twins (coincidence i dont think so) and then to my surprise was pregnant with taylor obviously theres alot more to my journey but i wanted to share this with you to give you somw hope!! i call my kids all miracles not only because they truly are but going from never having kids to having 4 in 4 years was a not what i expected. if you ever need to talk i am here. i will pray for you and kevin everyday!!

  7. Melanie, I stumbled across this page as I was browsing through Facebook. I completely feel your pain and wish that I'd had a stronger faith foundation, as you have, when I endured it. I tried to conceive unsuccessfully for 5 years. I charted my temperature, was put through several office tests, blood work, x-rays, ultrasounds, laproscopic surgeries to remove endometriosis tissue and took Clomid and Lupron before I was finally successful in conceiving Amber. Getting pregnant was one of the most difficult situations I had personally gone through. I was plagued with so many emotions and I was jealous of anyone who was blessed with children. I couldn't go near baby aisles in the stores and even my closest and dearest friend hid an unplanned pregnancy from me because she knew how deeply hurt I was. After receiving Lupron shots for six months which put my body in a state of "menopause," my doctor ordered a month's worth of hormone pills to put my cycle back in place. I filled the prescription but at the insistence of my girlfriend, I asked the doctor for a blood test. I had taken a home pregnancy test that showed a negative result. Once again, a disappointment for me and for my then husband who was growing very upset about all of the tests and medical visits that were necessary. That blood test revealed I was pregnant! I was thrilled and excited. My pregnancy was uneventful aside from the usual morning sickness and strange cravings. When I went into labor, I began spotting so I was put right into bed at the hospital and hours later gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. I felt so blessed and incredibly scared about being a mother. Unfortunately, during labor I had a retained placenta that caused 12 weeks of bleeding and a vitamin deficiency. While I did survive getting through this, I was told by my doctors that it would be advisable not to get pregnant again. So, I can relate completely to where you are right now and truthfully, I can tell you that while you're going through some very rough waters, stay close, connected and open with each other. I will pray for you and Kevin, that God will bless your lives with a little bundle of joy that emulates the love, generosity and kindness that you so graciously give to others!

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