As I journey down the path of infertility, of waiting and hoping, demanding and pouting, praying and seeking, I have finally begun to discover a purpose to all of this. –God himself has not been the point of my life, all along. He may have been a priority, even the first priority, but He has certainly not been my everything. I have conjured up needs that can only be met through children, as if I will only be who I’m created to be as a mother.
But wait. Didn’t GOD create me? So how can I go about questioning Him and even replacing his place on the throne of my heart with my children?
I distinctly remember the moment of clarity I had, regarding my life’s priorities. I was walking up the stairs and stopping suddenly, sharing this visionary statement with my husband.
“What if a reason for this infertility is God waiting for me to acknowledge my only worth is in him, not in my role as as a mother? My children will not give me a divine identity. That only comes from God.”
And there it was as clear as day–I needed to make Jesus my only. Although that deep moment of listening to God’s call was a few months ago, it was only this morning that I saw an even deeper meaning– it’s not just about prioritizing my life and making God number one again.
In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw also the Lord. — Isaiah 6:1
Our soul’s history with God is frequently the history of the “passing of the hero.” Over and over again God has to remove our friends in order to bring Himself in their place, and that is where we faint and fail and get discouraged. Take it personally: In the year that the one who stood to me for all that God was, died – I gave up everything? I became ill? I got disheartened? or – I saw the Lord?
It must be God first, God second, and God third, until the life is faced steadily with God and no one else is of any account whatever. “In all the world there is none but thee, my God, there is none but thee.”
Keep paying the price. Let God see that you are willing to live up to the vision.
I was complete stricken with this statement, this life-altering view of seeking only God. And as we focus all on Jesus, but of course He will flow out of our hearts onto others, seeping from our very being.
No other priorities.