Confessions, Infertility

Biting Bullets

To some it may seem your father and I have been a bit passive in this infertility journey. There are so many tests to be taken, procedures to be performed, personal boundaries to be invaded, dollars to be spent, money to be saved, appointments to be made, advice to be followed. The options for infertile couples in the 21st century are numerous and can feel completely overwhelming. If it weren’t enough stress deciding what paths to pursue and where to draw the line of “this is as far as we’re going to take this,” there’s the financial burden. Holy Smokes treatment is pricey. Up until recently, we didn’t have the funds to back treatment of any sort. Thanks to family gifts, we were able to get a few major tests done in October 2012 (all of which came back clear/ok), but nothing more has been done. 

When some people find out we haven’t even seen a fertility specialist yet, they look at me like I’m crazy. But there was a lot of fear behind that decision to put it off.

What if we can’t afford it? (After all, the consult alone was $500 at one particular office.)

What about the disappointment? If we pursue treatment and it doesn’t work, I’ll have to deal with serious heartache. It feels safer to just put it off.

How crazy will our lives become when we actually have kids? I’m not sure I can handle it. 

It’s been almost four years of semi-trying to conceive (because honestly we could have been more intentional about tracking this and that, and testing for x.y.and.z.) And finally, Child, I’ve bitten those scary, potentially-painful bullets. I called the fertility doctor, made an appointment, got a great vibe from everyone in the office, was excited to find the expense to be half of what the other office charged. I see the doctor tomorrow morning at 9am. They already have my records of tests and bloodwork and fluoroscopy from my gyn, and I’m entering this with excitement. I don’t know what other tests or treatments might be discussed, but at least we’ll have taken the first big step.

And tonight I’m going to my first ever chiropractor appointment. Many friends in the area rave about this local practice and I’ve had lots of people insist on the benefits of regular adjustments. I’m not sold on the idea (and neither of us is a chiropractic advocate), but I’ve decided it’s non-invasive and it could help my body, so it certainly can’t hurt to try.

I’m sorry it’s taken me so long, Child. It doesn’t mean my heart hasn’t desperately yearned for your arrival. It just means I’ve been afraid of diving into this unknown territory. It may also indicate that I’m afraid of needing to see a fertility specialist because that solidifies the reality that we are infertile. That’s a scary thing to say, you know.

Praying for some answers and some change. Praying for finances to cover what we deem necessary. Praying for discernment. Praying for YOU.

Love,

Mama

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