Confessions, Infertility, Letters to My Kids

Hope and Validation

Hope is a thing of extraordinary power. It feeds the soul. and yet it can torment it. It can be dashed. Yet it can show the way.

This beautiful quote from one of my favorite British dramas, Call the Midwife (Season 3, Episode 3).

Waiting for you, my Child, is a true test of my ability to hold onto hope. It’s the one thing that keeps me returning to the doctor, receiving one more injection, getting another ultrasound. Without hope, I’d be a piece of pottery dashed to thousands of pieces.

Our last appointment with the Reproductive Endocrinologist left us feeling a little nervous, but also filled with a tremendous amount of validation. As she was doing a routine ultrasound, she suddenly seemed concerned with what she as seeing. I am so thankful for the way she took her time, thoroughly examining the angles and images, and reading through all of the notes left by our other RE. She didn’t hide her concern from us, but talked us through her thought process. Though there have been no other concerning findings in my health prior to this date, she noticed fluid around one of my ovaries. “There shouldn’t be any fluid here,” she noted. “My advice would be to forego the third round of IUI and proceed with laparoscopic investigation with a possible diagnosis of endometriosis.” There’s no way to tell if someone has endometriosis without doing this minor surgery to see any scar tissue first hand.

Though this is a slightly unnerving possibility, there are many blessings in all of this. First of all, if I do in fact have endometriosis, they can treat it during the operation and my fertility problems may be solved just like that. (Not to mention my general health improvements!) Secondly, our Rochester RE says she went to med school with many doctors in our area of Michigan and can give us a great referral. Thirdly, if we pursue this treatment we will be doing so with full health insurance which will likely cover these expenses – something we certainly couldn’t afford to pay for out of pocket.

After discussing the endometriosis possibility, Dr. Hayes made a statement that has stuck with me.

“You are still so young, and the fact that you’ve been trying to conceive for 4 years (since you were 24 – the peak of fertility) is not normal. This puts you way out in left field, statistically.”

THANK YOU. I finally felt so validated in our struggle that I left the office with tears of joy and relief. No one has ever “poo-poo-ed” our infertility, but never before has a medical professional shown such concern and drive to find an answer. This is NOT normal. This shouldn’t just require more patience, more effort. This is just wrong.

2014-05-28 14.30.54I don’t believe infertility was a part of God’s plan for creation. LIFE is the very essence of God. He breathed life into Adam and Eve and told them to fill the earth with their offspring. His plan for salvation came in the form of human life, the infant Son of God. Jesus Christ came to bring us life to the full and life everlasting with the Almighty.

I am taking comfort believing that barrenness is not a direct consequence of my sin, but rather proof that Creation is not as it should be. God aches when we are sorrowful, broken, and in despair. He offers consolation through the Counselor, the Holy Spirit. And cling to Him I will. May my heart be buried deeply into my Lord, finding fulfillment because of Him alone and pouring out His goodness and love to you, My child.

I love you.

Mama

 

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3 thoughts on “Hope and Validation

  1. Melanie, I just wanted to let you know how grateful I am that you’ve been willing to share your story with the world. I suffered a miscarriage last October and it was horrendous. Many people tried to comfort me by saying it was God’s will or His timing, but that only hurt more. I finally came to the same conclusion as you–death is not part of God’s perfect plan. It was never “meant to be” for my baby to die. It’s a result of a broken creation not the author of life. I’m going to be sharing the story of my miscarriage on my blog this week and the thought is terrifying to me. But reading your story and other friend’s stories have been so helpful, I knew I needed to do the same. I’m hoping my story can be as helpful to others as yours has been to me.

    • Thank you, Courtney. I am so sorry for your loss; I cannot comprehend the grief. I have been so blessed by the healing and help that comes by sharing my story. I pray it does the same for you.

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