Dear Child of Mine,
In all this waiting for you, I have begun to learn more and more about myself. I used to define myself by the motherhood I would one day experience. Always living, planning, hoping in the future.
My desire for you has not diminished and I’m certain it won’t disappear. Your participation in my life will remain a welcome thought, a hopeful expectation. But I’m finally beginning to discover the woman God created me to be. I’ve seen glimpses of myself fully alive, living out every inch of the purposes for which I was ordained. My courage is building as I imagine myself painting with bold colors rather than keeping my gifts subdued with pastel strokes. I’ve lived in fear of failure, fear of rejection, allowing my steps to be governed by my assumptions of others’ opinions and expectations.
And all these years I’ve been searching for my calling. Waiting for God’s direction to be clear, to hear him say,
YES! This is you – at My best. Stay here!
I could have achieved many goals and settled into a life I created for myself. The list of careers, degrees, finances, and even adoptions that could have been accomplished over the last decade is far too long to list. Perhaps onlookers wonder why I haven’t done this or that, believing I’m wasting precious time. And I’ll be honest, my negative inner voice likes to chime in and agree. But the truth is I haven’t felt peace deep down in any one path for my life. I’ve seen times of passion in my work, gifts being used well. But it’s felt like something was missing.
And so, after these months and years of waiting for you, and wondering at my purpose, I am able to thank the Lord for his sovereignty – in keeping me in a place of wandering and childlessness all these years. Because if I had felt content with mediocrity I never would have kept seeking the brilliance God has created for me. I’m beginning to experience a stirring in my core. God is unwrapping His gift for me, and He is faithfully accomplishing a more bold and beautiful version of me than I could have asked or imagined.
While I wait for you, I’m going to become me, fully alive.