Confessions, Infertility, Letters to My Kids

Twice Her Age

Yesterday was a doctor day again. In my whole life I’m not sure I’ve had as many appointments as in the last 6 months. It’s becoming old hat, and I’m not sure how I feel about that. 

The doctor had said to me at my post-op visit in October, “If you don’t conceive after three months, come back in for a follow up appointment.” And so we watched the weeks tick by; our fifth year of hoping and wondering if we might get pregnant and make the fun announcement at Christmas. Five Christmases of barrenness. It was harder and easier than I thought. It’s becoming old hat, and I’m not sure how I feel about that. 

01_22_15 Gladden the Soul

Side note. This was our eleventh time celebrating Christmas as a couple. Our seventh as a married couple. And I’m wondering how in the world that can true? How has time slipped by, so quietly we didn’t even notice?

We’re now partially through our 4th cycle since the laparoscopic surgery and D&C. Too bad it didn’t turn out to be the magic bullet we’d hoped. These failed attempts are becoming old hat and I’m not sure how I feel about that.

My primary doctor (Ahadi) was out of the office yesterday, so I had the wonderful experience of having my dear friend Cathy (a nurse midwife) as my practitioner. Cathy knows my story almost better than I do at this point (no, seriously), and she’s been an amazing advocate for us. I called her two days before my appointment to say, “You have a difficult case coming in on Wednesday.” I found out she’d taken that responsibility so seriously, researching for hours on her own time and consulting with Dr. Pakidah and his Ob/Gyn resident. I was actually kind of excited to have not one but THREE professionals invested in my case yesterday. Dr. Pakidah was personally interested in my situation because he and his wife have traversed these rough infertility waters in the past few years.

The three of them came into the room, joking and smiling all the way. The office’s lighthearted atmosphere, combined with their genuine concern for my well-being, makes my medical experiences so much more bearable. I was in an emotional pit yesterday and easily could have burst into tears when I had to tell Dr. Pakidah it’s been nearly five years. But I didn’t. I felt supported and heard.

But yes, Child, it’s hitting me. And this five year marker is staring me in the face, feeling so much heavier than four. Sitting in the waiting room, riffing again on my life’s theme of “waiting,” your Daddy and I sat across from another couple. I am almost certain this boy and this girl were fifteen years old. They were waiting for an ultrasound of their unborn child. Fifteen?! Are you freaking kidding me. (Don’t say “freaking,” Little One. Mom’s just a little upset right now.) I’m nearly twice her age.

This world is not a place of justice.

I wonder what Eden would have been like, if we’d kept that perfect union with God. I wonder how His New Kingdom on Earth will one day restore perfect justice in the world.

It’s not fair.

But God is good.

Love you forever,




6 thoughts on “Twice Her Age

  1. Oh Mel, I ache for you in this season of waiting. I remember watching my 17 year old, unmarried neighbor grow and deliver a healthy baby girl while I had a miscarriage. Another day, I remember driving and seeing a pregnant woman smoking on a street corner. The rage that swelled within me in those moments is not something I’m proud of, but it’s real. It isn’t just, and it isn’t fair. But God IS good. Praying that knowledge will rest deep in your bones today and always.

  2. Mikechael says:

    Mel, I know the wait and pain is very difficult. I am sure you have heard it all. Jody and I will continue to pray for you during this time. I sometimes wish I had a magic switch to help my friends out. However, we know the Maker and Perfecter of Life knows what is best. I pray that you continue to rest in your Daddy’s arms. Love you guys.

  3. Theresa says:

    While my heart breaks for couples in your position, I really think you need to consider how offensive and hurtful your entry is. Just because God chose to bless a couple you believe to be undeserving of parenthood in no way equates any injustice. God has a plan for all of us, and his denying you motherhood for the time being is also part of the plan, irrespective of your ability to see or understand it. To assume that you deserve parenthood before another person because you live your life a certain way is irrational. A little humility and sensitivity goes a long way in the real world and in eyes of God, especially concerning those who feel called to ministry. Those supposed teenagers blessed with a baby bear the burden of an incessant uphill battle to raise a child when they themselves have yet to experience much of the world. So, it’s not rainbows and butterflies for them here on out. I’m a single mother myself, and despite becoming pregnant at one of the most inconvenient times in my life, it was God allowing me to experience the miracle of His creation that pulled me out of the darkness, seeking a renewed and purposeful path. Every child is a blessing; instead of seething with envy and contempt, be joyful that God has created a miracle. Your righteous indignation does nothing but stereotype Christians to those who are lost.

    • Theresa,
      I appreciate your honesty and perspective. I did not consider how this might offend anyone; I was only thinking of myself. Let me apologize to you personally for hurting you.

      I completely agree with you that every child is a gift, no matter how they are conceived. And honestly I’m not at all “seething with envy and contempt.” It was a just a moment when I felt selfish and like things aren’t “fair.” I’m sure it’s possible that young girl might also be feeling like life isn’t “fair” right now. Also, I guess seeing her youth made me realize I’m not just a young “spring chicken” anymore. Someone half my age could be giving birth soon, and I’m realizing holy cow I’m almost 30.

      I guess what I meant by God’s good justice being restored works for both myself and for girls like you or the teenager across from me. In his perfect kingdom, relationships will be perfect. Decisions will be righteous. And the way life comes into this world will be exactly as He intended from the beginning – the fruit of a healthy marriage (with no infertility to contend with.)

      I hope that makes sense. Please forgive me for offending you.

  4. Thank you for being real and sharing your heart! David was so real before the Father and was called a man after the heart of God. God isn’t afraid of our frustration and he doesn’t just want us when we have the most perfect and holy thoughts. He desires a relationship with us–all of us. While I’m not convinced that everything that happens is God’s plan, I do believe He is a God who delights in making beauty from ashes :) be encouraged friend!

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