Yesterday was a doctor day again. In my whole life I’m not sure I’ve had as many appointments as in the last 6 months. It’s becoming old hat, and I’m not sure how I feel about that.
The doctor had said to me at my post-op visit in October, “If you don’t conceive after three months, come back in for a follow up appointment.” And so we watched the weeks tick by; our fifth year of hoping and wondering if we might get pregnant and make the fun announcement at Christmas. Five Christmases of barrenness. It was harder and easier than I thought. It’s becoming old hat, and I’m not sure how I feel about that.
Side note. This was our eleventh time celebrating Christmas as a couple. Our seventh as a married couple. And I’m wondering how in the world that can true? How has time slipped by, so quietly we didn’t even notice?
We’re now partially through our 4th cycle since the laparoscopic surgery and D&C. Too bad it didn’t turn out to be the magic bullet we’d hoped. These failed attempts are becoming old hat and I’m not sure how I feel about that.
My primary doctor (Ahadi) was out of the office yesterday, so I had the wonderful experience of having my dear friend Cathy (a nurse midwife) as my practitioner. Cathy knows my story almost better than I do at this point (no, seriously), and she’s been an amazing advocate for us. I called her two days before my appointment to say, “You have a difficult case coming in on Wednesday.” I found out she’d taken that responsibility so seriously, researching for hours on her own time and consulting with Dr. Pakidah and his Ob/Gyn resident. I was actually kind of excited to have not one but THREE professionals invested in my case yesterday. Dr. Pakidah was personally interested in my situation because he and his wife have traversed these rough infertility waters in the past few years.
The three of them came into the room, joking and smiling all the way. The office’s lighthearted atmosphere, combined with their genuine concern for my well-being, makes my medical experiences so much more bearable. I was in an emotional pit yesterday and easily could have burst into tears when I had to tell Dr. Pakidah it’s been nearly five years. But I didn’t. I felt supported and heard.
But yes, Child, it’s hitting me. And this five year marker is staring me in the face, feeling so much heavier than four. Sitting in the waiting room, riffing again on my life’s theme of “waiting,” your Daddy and I sat across from another couple. I am almost certain this boy and this girl were fifteen years old. They were waiting for an ultrasound of their unborn child. Fifteen?! Are you freaking kidding me. (Don’t say “freaking,” Little One. Mom’s just a little upset right now.) I’m nearly twice her age.
This world is not a place of justice.
I wonder what Eden would have been like, if we’d kept that perfect union with God. I wonder how His New Kingdom on Earth will one day restore perfect justice in the world.
It’s not fair.
But God is good.
Love you forever,