Dear Child of Mine,
I can almost picture you. You’re no longer some far-off dream of mine. I have been busy preparing for your arrival every day since February 1st. Yes, this includes doing the necessary paperwork, but also readying my home, researching baby equipment, and getting all sort of wonderful tips from friends. This morning I thought to myself, “You know you’re nesting when you spend Valentine’s morning cleaning the mold off of the bathroom ceiling with vinegar, having been disgusted by it for 9 months and never done anything about it previously.” I just knew, “I can’t have my baby in this environment!” (Apparently it wasn’t a big enough deal when it was just us, or the slew of visitors we have over.)
Within days of your adoption even being an option, I set to work painting your nursery. I didn’t care that I had the worst headache ever; it needed to be done. Absolutely essential. I realize it’s totally not that important, but this is how motivating my maternal instincts are. They’ve been stifled for years, stuffed down deep so as to not step foot in the baby department or get lost for hours on mommy blogs. But now, Child, my nesting nature is in season and working overtime to catch up on 9 months of preparations.
In 2010 when we started trying to get pregnant, I turned my garage sale inclinations to all things baby. I had built up quite a stock pile of beautiful onesies, bottles, bibs, and gadgets. As the years went by and we moved homes again and again, I slowly started getting rid of these items. The only things I kept were 5 Avent bottles, 4 onesies (U of M, 2 Hungry Caterpillar, “Little Squirt”), an adorable bedroom set (including an impractical comforter, window valence, clothes hamper, mobile, and a bumper which I hear I’m not supposed to use), an inexpensive front carrier, and a beautiful red jogging stroller.
It’s taken all of my self control (and a little of my husband’s) to keep me from buying a crib, diapers, wipes, formula, new bottle nipples, car seat, changing pad, bathing necessities and a slew of onesies. We’ve already received so many offers of hand-me-downs as well as rumors of baby showers, that we know many of these purchases won’t be necessary. Now if I can just stifle my nesting needs just a little while longer.
Our people are seriously incredible. On a daily basis I am reminded of the friends and family who are rooting for us, praying fervently for us, and overwhelmingly supportive. I have received lengthy emails giving me all of the details of baby supplies and needs. The details are so important to my psyche and I can’t believe so many would take the time to share their experiences. I have friends who tell me, “You’re going to be fine. I promise.”
In the past few days, there have been a handful of emails that have brought me to near tears. (Side note, I haven’t had a big cry over all of this yet. It’s like my tears have dried up in exchange for the productivity necessary. I’m just waiting to be overtaken by sobs. I’ll get back to you on that.) These particular words are exactly what I needed to hear; I was already worried about this. How did she know? I am certainly going to need to return to often over the next season of life.
“Even though you desperately want a baby, and have been trying for YEARS and paying lots of money and undergoing multiple uncomfortable medical procedures, and even though you’re doing everything you can to adopt this baby successfully, and you really, really want to hold his little self in your arms and just be his mom…even though ALL this is true, you’re still allowed to be overwhelmed sometimes, especially at first. You’re allowed to have bad days, and you’re allowed to think wistfully back on the days before the baby and remember how you could get the sleep you needed, or how it was easier to do what you want when you wanted. ALL moms have those feelings, but I don’t want you to feel that because you’ve done so much more than most people to get a baby, that to feel that way is somehow ungrateful. The truth is, being a mom is amazing and wonderful and so, so good, but it’s also brutally hard and exhausting and overwhelming. That’s just normal. And you have every right to feel that way too.”
Child, as much as you are loved and prayed for, know that your Mom and Dad are also covered in care. We are so thankful.
Come quickly, Child.
Help Kevin & Melanie bring home #BabyEccles at YouCaring.