Adoption, Confessions, Dear God, Husband, Infertility

Processing

Dear God,

Why? Why did this have to happen? Why did everything seem so perfect? Why did we paint the nursery? And rearrange most of the house? Why did we buy a new car? Why did we spend every spare moment in February planning and preparing and dreaming and praying? Why did we believe this was the real deal?

Honestly, God, I never did. I never believed this adoption would actually go through. I have been disappointed far too many times to even remember what it’s like to hope, to believe. I knew you could do it, finish it. I believed this could be the baby we’d waited for. But I didn’t really believe it. I just couldn’t.

I knew that setting my attitude would make my actions follow suit. And so I decided to live in the hope. I decided to think about the joy. I let myself dream. I pushed away the doubts and fears as best I could.

But I can’t help but tell myself I told you so.

I closed the bedroom door. I stopped organizing and cleaning and preparing as the gifts kept arriving. Now the room is cluttered and neglected. My heart wants to do the same, just let the thoughts and feelings pile up, never tending to any of them or allowing anyone in.

The emotions come out in unfounded anger. Why would tell me the website header is wrong at ten o’clock at night?! The emotions come out in seclusion. I have no words to respond to the messages. And I don’t even want to. The emotions come out in fear. What in the world happened to our bank account?!

God, there are many people’s faith hinging on your story for us. Friends who wonder at the religious life we live and this God we follow. Is it real? Would a good God do this to such good people? they ask. And for their sake, God, show up.

And you did for me yesterday. You gave me joy and purpose to lead our congregation on Sunday morning, just days after this adoption miscarriage. My heart grieves, but the mending comes in working out my purpose even through the pain. And so I share my story. I tell of your goodness to my church family, to the Facebook world, to our families, and to these dear readers who journey so faithfully with me.

I can say, “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. May the name of the Lord be praised.” (Job 1:21)

You are constant.

You are only good.

I am believing that, God. And I am believing that you aren’t done with us yet. Our story is still unfolding, and I am anxious to look back and see clearly what tapestry you were weaving in these tangled times.

For now, though, You have honored my willingness to share this private story in such a bold, public way. You have showered me with friendships that support with deep dependency. So many have shared their own raw emotions over our pain. Many are grieving, God, not just me. Heal.

I am thankful for friends who are sincere. They rejoice greatly in our rejoicing. They mourn deeply in our mourning. We are not alone. And I am thankful.

2015-02-24 09.12.10

Advertisements
Standard

3 thoughts on “Processing

  1. Your girl says:

    Sweetheart,
    You have to let yourself go through all the steps of the grieving process. You have to be sad, mad, angry. If you try to compartmentalize or stash those emotions, it will eat at you. And you are too wonderful, and have too much love and grace to offer this world to let it eat you. So run, cry, throw something, eat ice cream. Let those who love you comfort you. God has something big and awesome in store for you. Like you said, one day you will look back and say “Ah, that’s what You were doing.” I love you. I am grieving with you. And praying for you and Kevin incessantly.

  2. I been thinking of you alot and even in my sleep! Something good or better is coming your way but just like “your girl” said above you have to let yourself go through the griefing process so you can let out all of the grief.

    I do not follow a daily religion but I do believe in god and I believe that everything happens for a reason. I’m not saying that this is to teach a lesson but having a child is tough work. Just like everything that you have just experienced, having a child is like that for life. Your bank account will be drained to support a child and sometimes you will be down to your last dollar to make ends meet, your new car will start smelling like spoiled milk and rotten apples from spills and when the tantrums start there are times you will just want to give up! But just like this moment let it be a learning experience.

    You are a great person and strong believer and you will be blessed one way or another!! I’m sure of it! Keep your options open and find ways to relieve your grief and don’t forget to talk about it. I have enjoyed your post, even though I understand that it took lots of work to explain your feelings but this is a start to strenghtening yourself. Honestly, being a mom/parent is the hardest job ever, so absorb everything that you are learning to help you cope with situations in the future.

    Keeping you in thought and prayer

    Your 2004 Classmate
    Jessica Muncy

  3. Melanie, my heart is breaking for you. My miscarriage was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through, and I know you must be feeling the same way. There is so much to grieve…things I didn’t even realize I was losing until months later when the pain would hit again. I know for the past two years of loss/waiting Satan was actively trying to tear down my hope. And I’m sad to admit I often gave in. I thought it would be easier if I stopped hoping/planning/dreaming. I thought I could protect myself from pain. I’m sad to say it’s even affected my pregnancy now, at times causing me to live in worry and doubt rather than enjoyment of this great gift. I only say this to encourage you to not let Satan rob you of your hope. Your hope is in Christ and nothing and no one and no circumstance can rob you of that. Please grieve and hurt, mourn and weep and do whatever you need to do to recognize this loss, but also know there is always hope, and many are hoping and believing with you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s