Confessions, Food, Letters to My Kids, Pregnancy

Dealing with Newness

Dear Child of Mine,

Your realness seems to have brought about may unexpected changes to my life. Yes, already. I am still finding it hard to believe this is for real, and perhaps I’ve become jaded by our years of disappointments. I’m trying to hard to be excited, but for now I’m just thankful for the swarms of people being excited on my behalf.

Have I mentioned you’re going to be so loved, Child? You are! You have been prayed over, anointed, and desired by so many for so long. All those years ago when we started trying to conceive, I wanted to have a baby. I wanted to be a mom. It was purely a personal desire, one which was untainted by the pangs of infertility or the uncertainty of adoption.

All these years later, my focus has shifted in ways I never could have orchestrated on my own volition. By the grace of God you have been brought into our lives, and by the grace of God I believe you are going to be used to further His Kingdom. I am more excited about the holy anointing I believe to be on your little life than I am about becoming a mother. I truly believe that Creator God has ordained your life for a purpose, for this moment in time. I am so honored to get to carry you and parent you. Your Daddy and I are going to love you ’til you’re blue in the face and you’re so embarrassed by our public displays of affection. But in the end, we know whose you are. The Lord God is forming your body and preparing you to do His work. I can’t wait to watch your story unfold.

In the meantime, here’s what’s been happening in my life since your little heart started beating.

1. I am exhausted. I nap once or twice a day, even when getting over 8 hours of sleep each night. Apparently being a host for the creation of a human being takes a lot out of woman.

2. I have terrible acid reflux. My lifelong intestinal issues have probably eased me into this stage, but man, the burning and the regurgitation and the burping and the bloating.

Speaking of which….

3. I sort of look a little pregnant, but I’m pretty sure that’s mostly bloating. I live a relatively healthy life with a well-balanced diet. I love my fruits and vegetables, and get a good number of proteins and carbs in; I enjoy sweets and fried foods but normally with self-control. This pregnancy has thrown all balance out the window. There may or may not have been a day when I ate a cheeseburger and chips for lunch, most of a full-sized bag of Cheetos as a snack, and then had a Big Mac and medium fries for dinner. I never would have eaten like that in a million years. I don’t know if it’s hormones or cravings or some mental game, but it is messing with me.

4. The morning sickness has been totally tolerable. Again, perhaps it’s the years of nausea that makes morning sickness reasonable for me, but I’ve only had a few days of holy cow not fun. My stomach feels a little off most of the time, but I’ve learned to ignore it. My new habit includes a slice of peanut butter toast (on white storebought bread, not ever my thing…) first thing in the morning, and grazing or small meals every couple hours. Thank you to every woman ever who has recommended that new eating structure. (My waist line does not thank you, however.)

5. I find myself easily out of breath. This is totally frustrating to someone who typically speed walks ahead of the group. I now find myself lagging behind, huffing and puffing. Oh, and leading worship takes all the wind out of me. *whew* Apparently all this has something to do with increased blood and oxygen production, which makes sense.

I am finding myself anxious for the next time I’ll get to see you or hear your heartbeat, just convincing my brain that you really do exist.

Psalm 139:13 (The Message)

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother’s womb. I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration—what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I’d even lived one day.


One thought on “Dealing with Newness

  1. melissa barney says:

    I remember those days…I could sleep for HOURS, but it did get a bit better by second trimester, the first was by far the most sleeeeepy. The out of breath thing though, that will only get worse as your baby grows and pushes all the air out of you. At least that is what it feels like. Hard to get a good deep breath. All worth it of course. Even though it’s uncomfortable at times, it’s still all very amazing.

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